where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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