two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
