If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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