My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
