Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
from now on my penis is your penis
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
