i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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