you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
