That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
