tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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