apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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