Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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