dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
