My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you didnt know i had herpes?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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