I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize