when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
