Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
