drinking out of a sandbucket again
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You dont lie about slip and slides
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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