My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
