wanna go halves on a baby?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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