Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
