Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
