When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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