A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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