I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
