Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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