If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
