I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
