last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize