You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
