Apparently you make a good broom.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
