I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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