I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
