do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
