Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
