Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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