That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I deserve this hangover.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
