Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
