I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
