I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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