I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
