Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
