He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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