I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
