Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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