so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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