So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
