They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
