I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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