we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
and she was petting her beer can
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize