Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
