I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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