oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
