I need help removing her.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
