WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
