hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
