When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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