wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
