I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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