I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
