I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
