so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
